Have you ever wondered if midlife loneliness is an actual thing?
There are many moments throughout life where we can feel lonely, so it’s not just related to midlife. But at this stage and the years afterwards there are different reasons why we might experience those lonely feelings.
Regardless of what a lot of people think, midlife loneliness isn’t just a problem for single people or those living alone. It can be experienced by someone in a relationship and even if we are surrounded by friends.
A relationship that needs an overhaul can be one of the causes of midlife loneliness
As we age and especially if we’ve had children, our relationship can become stale. We may have gotten into bad habits and developed routines that lack connection. Not just sexually but intellectually and emotionally.
Also, if you’ve spent years focusing on children, you may have forgotten how to focus on each other and your relationship. When kids eventually fly the nest and/or another aspect of your life that used to bring connection has also changed, you can end up feel lonely.
Friendships that we’ve outgrown can also be a cause of loneliness
We all reach the stage of transition at different times. It can coincide with menopause, but sometimes it doesn’t. And menopause isn’t a rite of passage that we all go through at the same age either.
This might mean that you’re experiencing confusion, lack of motivation, not really knowing what you want and your friends are just fine. Life is hunky dory for them. Your values may shift, whereas their’s haven’t yet and might not do for a long time if ever at all.
What this doesn’t mean is that you can’t be friends with them anymore. But you might find the friendships lacking and want more. You may even feel like you no longer belong with that circle of friends even though you still enjoy their friendship.
And then of course, we have really good friends who are close and then leave to set up home thousands of miles away. We might even shift area ourselves and start living in a quite remote area too. It can all be a trigger for midlife loneliness.
Single introverts and people living alone can be hardest hit
Introverts love their own company, I should know I’m one of them. But having been single in middle life, I also recognise that spending too much time alone can bring lonely feelings.
Add to that living alone, then you have a recipe for midlife loneliness. Especially in the northern hemisphere where winters are vey cold and people like to stay home for those chilly days and evenings. And let’s face it not many of us like the idea of sharing accommodation when we reach this age. We like our privacy.
I think it’s important to stay mindful of our single friends, especially those who live alone at this stage of life. Make time to stay in touch and connect regularly. We can all become consumed by our own lives and think there needs to be equality in reaching out. But introverts especially are the least likely to reach out. You have no idea if a friend is struggling unless you get in touch. And it’s often the strongest and most independent that struggle with this.
As we continue to age, we can be more vulnerable to lonely feelings
Through the ageing years, and I’m talking about aged 50 upwards, we can experience a lot of loss. Parents, partners, friends pass away. And sadly some couples also experience the loss of children. Some go through divorce. Ill health or redundancy can cause early retirement too.
As we move into retirement, if we haven’t made plans to replace our work with something meaningful. To join groups or participate in activities we enjoy, then loneliness can hit us before we realise it. Because work was more often than not one of the ways we experienced a sense of connection and belonging.
But it isn’t all doom and gloom. There are so many ways we can nip midlife loneliness in the bud. Here’s a few I’ve become aware of personally:
First of all identify whether it’s midlife loneliness or not
We need to clarify what we’re feeling and allow ourselves to feel it. Midlife loneliness can sometimes feel like a lost feeling or like something is missing. Loneliness can also be a feeling of sadness, like there’s a void or like you don’t belong. And you may even just feel downright lonely.
Enquire into what’s changed in your life to bring about this feeling
Reflect back on when the feeling began and notice what changed in your life that triggered those feelings. Did you have a friend leave or have you changed or left your job. Are you going through menopause or have you moved area. Maybe you’re just tired of being single and questioning whether you will ever meet anyone. Find what the trigger is for you.
Look for ways to bring back that sense of real connection
Usually loneliness is linked to a lack of connection or belonging. Maybe we need physical touch or want to feel loved and a sense of joy. Take your relationship for instance, if you’re in one.
I’m personally in a live in relationship now and due to get married this year. But I can sense when we need to work on our connection. And this goes far deeper than physical connection. It’s so easy to get into daily habits that don’t serve the relationship well.
Making time to eat dinner together at the table. Make space for depth of conversation where you really listen to each other, instead of chatting over your shoulder when you’re both on the move. Have date night once each week and it doesn’t have to cost money. Sometimes we just take a picnic to the beach or the park. Card games to ignite conversation really help bring back connection too and learn about each other like you might not have before. Learning something new together like dancing or hiking is a great thing to do.
Find that sense of connection through work
Look for ways to create community at work if you don’t have it already. Many work places organise times to gather socially. But if yours doesn’t, then organise get togethers yourself. If there is one person in particular that you feel connection with ask them to coffee or for a drink after work.
I actually work alone at home so can feel lonely and isolated at times. Recently we adopted a little dog called Squizzy. She’s six years old and the amount of connection I feel just having her around is beautiful.
This can be a great thing to do in retirement as well. Adopting a pet or helping out at the local animal homeless shelter can fill the void and help us feel that sense of connection. Having a little dog will also make sure you get daily exercise too.
Look for ways to connect when your work is done
Redundancy, retirement and having a job that is a bit more solitary can mean that you lack connection in your life. These can all be triggers for midlife loneliness and it’s where you need to find other ways to feel that sense of belonging.
Brene Brown says that a true sense of belonging is felt when we belong to ourselves first. To me this means connecting to our true selves through understanding ourselves. It’s only by self exploration that we can reach this place. Not only does it give us that true sense of belonging but also helps us see what types of connections we’re looking for.
Understanding your values, qualities, strengths. Exploring your passions and interests helps you see what kind of groups or communities might be suitable for you.
Instigate community if there isn’t one that’s suitable
Once you’ve identified a community or group you’d like to join, then reach out. And if there isn’t a suitable community that gathers regularly, then instigate one. You will never know if you don’t give it a go. Maybe it’s a community where you can volunteer for a cause. Possibly one where you can practice a skill or interest or simply to socialise.
Just recently I decided to reach out to the group of women I did my last yoga teacher training with. The practice of yoga is something we are all passionate about, so there is a likemindedness between us already. Interestingly enough, they all said “yes please” and were very keen! One lady actually said she was thinking about reaching out too.
You might be pleasantly surprised
Once we know ourselves well we gain a good sense of self connection. It also brings the confidence to reach out when we need to. Even more than this, we become more aware of potential communities that might suit us well. And if you join one or instigate one, you might be pleasantly surprised just like I was. This helps kick midlife loneliness in the butt.
There is also the added option of joining a group of likeminded women that is professionally brought together for you. And if you’re all joining for similar reasons there will be a likemindedness anyway. Maybe more so than you’ve ever felt previously. In fact, there are a multitude of groups like this available. HER Rediscovery kicks off for the final time in March 2025 and in this little group we actually do the self exploration too. Ladies who have joined the program told me that they felt a sense of community like they haven’t done before.
If you would like to see if this program is the right community for you, Book Your Initial Connect Call Here