One of the most common phrases I hear is “I don’t have time”. To be honest I’ve even used it myself occasionally. Sometimes it’s used by women in leadership roles or business owners, but often comes from women in retirement too. Because of the variation of responsibilities these women hold, it makes me wonder. Is it just the result of a need for firmer personal boundaries?
Boundaries can be a tricky concept to get our head around. We hear that we need to have them but most of us don’t really understand what they are. Or how to set them. In my understanding from learning to create my own over many years, it’s this;
Boundaries are a set of parameters that define how we will and won’t be treated.
An article on Psych Central says there are 5 different types of boundaries. These comprise of physical boundaries, sexual, intellectual, emotional and financial. And we’re encouraged to take these into account when we are ready to create our own set of rules.
So let’s go back to that expression; “I don’t have time”. It may be a valid statement or is it? Only you’ll know the answer to that question. If you’re using it frequently and missing out on what you want to do, then firmer boundaries may be your answer.
Be honest with yourself about your story
We’ve heard the expression that we all have 24 hours in a day. While this may be true, some of us have more responsibilities than others. Plus we all have different personalities, strengths and move at a variation of speeds. Some days we have more energy than others too.
Be honest with yourself about the truth of that expression. It’s a great excuse to use when you really don’t want to accept an invitation or request. But if you’ve repeated it frequently it becomes a reality. This is because your language is one of the biggest influencers of your experiences.
So this could be a boundary you need to set for yourself around the type of language you use. If you’re using the phrase automatically at times as an excuse then try changing it to something else. For instance; “love to but I’ve got something else on”.
Define your own motivators
We’re all motivated highly by our values. This means we could be making time for other things because they are important to us. However low levels of self worth could also be the driver for never having time for what we want. Many of us prioritise other’s requests because we don’t want to disappoint. We want to ensure that people continue to like us. Because of this our boundaries can be far too soft or blurred.
Define what your motivators are for prioritising other commitments over your own wants and needs. If it’s because you’ve chosen to do something else that lights you up then that’s yours to own. For instance have time with grandkids or go out with girlfriends.
But if it’s because you just want to keep other’s happy then maybe it’s time to do some inner healing work. Or spend a few sessions with a good coach to help you stand in your own power and know you are worthy.
Be mindful of a healthy balance
It’s important to keep a good balance if we’re changing plans for others requests. Even if those invitations fit our values, too much rearranging can cause resentment over the long term. This is because we never seem to find the time to fulfil those promises we made to ourselves. For instance; space for our own self care, exercising, creative practices, fulfilling a project we’d love to do.
Create a good balance between all those aspects of life that are important to you and your values. Be mindful of how often you are rearranging to suit others needs. Whether you love the time spent doing this or not. It’s essential that you spend time doing other things that light you up too. Activities that you decided you want to do.
Firming up boundaries to create more balance
Once you’ve noticed where your life is a little out of balance, then it’s time to firm up some boundaries. Get clear on how much space you want for yourself and things that you’ve identified you want to do. Decide how much time you’re willing to give to other aspects of life to allow yourself that space. Notice who is most likely to step over those boundaries. Then set your rules and communicate those parameters to whoever needs to be informed of them.
Sounds simple I know. But I realise this can feel a little tricky especially if you don’t like to upset people. Try to accept that some people might be put out or annoyed to begin with. But this is only because you’ve trained them to expect certain behaviour from you. Once they get used to it, they will be fine.
Find creative ways to say “No”
Let’s face it human beings make mistakes and it takes time to get accustomed to new rules. This means friends, family and colleagues may still try to overstep the mark.
At times like this it’s important to show them the boundaries and say no. If you’re more comfortable with saying yes then it can be difficult to say no. So design some creative ways of saying no that you feel more comfortable with. It can be helpful to write them down in advance and even practice saying them so you’re prepared.
Be consistent and aware
The worst thing you can do is overstep your own boundaries. Even if you do it just once the line can become blurred. Remember you train people how you want to be treated and if you break your own rules, others will too.
At the same time though we need to stay aware of the need for flexibility. This may seem like a bit of a paradox, but it’s not. Setting boundaries for a beginner can be a bit clumsy. We tend to swing the pendulum from one extreme to the other. So again it’s important to be mindful of balance.
If our boundaries are too firm we can isolate ourselves a bit too much. But if they’re too loose our own wants and needs get trampled on. Regardless of this it’s important to stay consistent with any rules we set for a period of time so we can see how they work. Whether we eventually decide to adjust them or not, we always must be mindful of having enough time for ourselves.
Boundary setting can be quite tricky and it’s easy to overstep our own without realising. A good coach can see and challenge your overstepping and support you through the process of creating the life you love. To see how coaching fits with what you want to create or achieve in your life Book Your Initial Connect Call Here.